Sonic’s small 8 year old body slumped over in the chair. His whiny voice spilling heavily before us. “BUT why can’t we just go to OOOOOUR church? Why do we have to visit other churches?”
In all honesty, internally I have joined him there many times. I have pooled before my Heavenly Daddy asking. “Whyyyyyyy? When will this part be over? Can’t you just make this easy?”
It was happening again. The moments where my knees trembled and my stomach turned.
It would happen like it did EVERY time. The whole group would fall away and I would be left… Maybe with the kid with really thick glasses, with extra weight, or special needs.
It would be the worst for the introvert in me. The crowd would be stripped away, I would stand alone, and I would feel every eye on me.
I was going to have to try to figure out how to run and kick at the same time, and the ball was going to be MOVING!!! On top of that, I was not CHOSEN. I was already insecure, but everyone saw that insecurity and hoped that their team wouldn’t be stuck with me.
Let me sum up in one word this season of my life: BEHIND.
There is always a small stack of handwashing next to my sink that never seems to get washed.
My kids clothes sit in a ginormous pile since I refuse to put them away until I get the seasons/sizes changed.
God knows when my floors have been swept (other than by my family’s dogs that come visit).
The to-do list never gets anywhere close to “to-done.”
Upon returning from the store, despite “thorough” planning, there is inevitably at least one item that my food stores lack.
All that weight I lost, I found it again.
Oh, and laundry… Fuhgeddaboudit!
It came in the mail.
It read, “A $17.43 fee has been charged to your account.”
It was the dreaded INSUFFICIENT FUNDS fee.
I had never had one. I was embarrassed. The tears were there before I could stop them.
I was going to have to tell my husband that I had messed up. I was going to have to tell him that we were overdrawn in our checking account. I was sick.
This happened at a time when there wasn’t much to transfer from the savings, and no margin in the budget. At a time when being careful with money wasn’t just wise, it was essential.
I worked in banking for 7 years. I have balanced bank vaults. I had made a living at being good at this, and I had failed.
Ladies, life is work right now.
The day is work. The night is work (ask anyone who has to be ready for a baby cry at any hour).
The boring is work. The fun is work (a week’s vacation for 4 and an infant is planned, packed, and organized by whom?).
The school year is work. The summer break is work.
There is work inside the house. There is work outside the house.
Even church is work right now (A season I may share about at a later date).
I don’t have time for anything, and my soul is crying out for connection with the Lord. There are some soul wrestling matters that seem to never really be completed these days.
Passion is a fantasy. I’m too tired. But craving… Craving is alive and well and at every turn of the grocery store aisle, and in every diaper change.