It might be impossible to enjoy every moment

She just peed in her clothes again. We waited too long. We didn’t stop in our running around.

I am already tired of potty training. I don’t want to go back, but diapers are so much easier.

I crave ease right now.

As much as everyone sees me as a woman of faith, I am also a woman of doubt. As much as people see me as a woman of discipline, I am also a woman of ease. As much as people see me as a woman of compassion and service, I am also a woman of selfishness.

I know that the only reason anyone sees me as anything other than a hopeless sinner is Jesus’ work in me. But the truth is I don’t like this part. I don’t like wiping up pee, doing extra laundry, and cleaning out car seats. I don’t like the hard parts.

But who do I tell that to? Who can I say that to without getting the glib advice of “enjoy every moment.” (There is no way to convey to you my wrinkled brow and curled lip when I even think about that.)

The honest truth is that I will not enjoy every moment. The truth is that I am only a human. I will fail. I will fail to do the right thing. I will selfishly not want to do another ounce of work for another human. I will want to knock a child into next week, and not feel any type of motherly feeling toward anyone.

Our culture, who have idolized children, will suck in their breath and look down their noses. Our friends ahead of us will say from their emptiness “You will miss this when they are gone.”

And then another truth rises to the surface.

“NO.”

I will NOT miss this.

I will miss them.

I will miss the person, but I will not miss the progression.

Give me five minutes with Grandma in line at the Target and I can guarantee you they would be just as embarrassed and just as flustered with 35-year-old Jimmy if he was unloading shelves and licking conveyor belts. She too would be trying to wipe the memory away from THAT moment.

Let me talk long enough with Grandma in the grocery store aisle and I can almost promise you that there was at least one season that Janie had in high school or college that no one EVER wants to live through again.

Why then is she asking me to enjoy every moment?

Because she loves the person.

Because in our humanity, we are incapable of loving the process. We struggle with the days that help our children become more fully submitted to God because we struggle with the days that help US become fully submitted to God.

So most of us are in a day we don’t like, but we tuck our tinies in at night and kiss their cheeks because we press into loving the season. And we surrender to loving the person while becoming okay with not loving the process.

I love her. She is a gift. But sometimes the gift pees on things or screams.

One day I will be the grandma and I will miss the person, but if Snickle grows up and pees in my car.

NOPE!

I ain’t gonna love that!

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