They came again last week. I didn’t want them to. I didn’t see them coming.
But there they were… embarrassing tears.
They don’t come in the shower or in the still quiet of the night like they do for most people.
They pour over when I hear or sing worships songs.
They came as my constant companion for over a year after Mama passed away.
I hated them. Worship music was banned from the car in order to keep me from having an accident. I honestly cried less during sad country songs than I did during worship songs.
Worship has always been a solace for me. Something happens in me when I can just focus all my adoration and energy on Jesus. I don’t care if it’s a 100 year old hymn, a crazy 80s pop worship song, or a song coming out this week, if it’s about my God it brings the big picture of life into focus.
Sometimes though… my heart hurts. After Mama passed away I didn’t even have a choice. Now more often it’s lesser hurts, but it will happen again.
The frustrating thing is that it’s not something I choose. I’m just singing and one line strikes a chord in my soul. A chord about trust or God’s goodness. Sometimes it’s singing about death getting beaten. Other times it is words from scripture that I know are sung or said in heaven.
Honestly, something (or more accurately someone) is on the line when I sing about heaven. My trust in God and His goodness are put to the test when my heart is aching.
I got news recently that brought me back to that place again, but my heart is hurting and I don’t want to cry. I’m a leader in my daughter’s middle school class on Wednesday nights. I’m gonna be the crazy lady that cries when she sings.
And then I am taken back to John 4. Jesus is meeting the woman at the well. There are so many important aspects to this story, but part of it has helped when the embarrassing tears come.
The woman at the well. She doesn’t have the right race, sex, merit, or relationships. There is a lot that could keep her from Jesus. One of these is her complicated questions. Jesus answers one religious question with, “The hour is coming and is now here, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and I truth..”
The woman’s question was about worship. How was it supposed to look? What was the correct form? Was there a correct place?
According to the woman’s options I would never have correct worship. Jesus gave us another freedom in that passage. He gave us freedom to worship wherever the Spirit led.
So what does that have to do with this crazy crying church lady?
It’s the other part of that passage… worshipping in truth.
Guys, I can be strong for my kids, I can even gloss up for church, but I can’t fool God. When I begin to focus on Him and pour out my praise it comes from my heart. It is then not unexplainable that the tears mean that the worship is coming from a hurting or broken heart.
So here I am in another season of heartache and the tears fall freely at times. I’ve made my peace with them though. I’m just worshipping in truth.